Have I Changed?

There were many reasons why I went to India. I wanted to do yoga. I wanted to go to the ashrams. I wanted to see India — a country I had read and studied so much about. I felt I had to go while I could.

I also wanted to test myself and see how I would fare this time. I had visited the famous tourist triangle (New Delhi, the Taj Mahal, Agra and Jaipur) over 30 years ago, and I found it difficult — dirty, chaotic and intimidating. So this time, I really wanted to see India, and to see myself in India.

There were many things I feared about visiting the subcontinent (snakes, dogs, rabies, security, illness), but what I feared most before the trip was coming home feeling, “I’ve had a lovely long holiday.” I didn’t want it to be an ordinary, nice experience. I wanted it to be challenging and tough, and I wanted to come home somehow changed by it.

But I didn’t have a clear idea of how I wanted to change. I wanted to be stronger, for sure — but something more than that. I wanted something at my core to shift.

Like a piece of rock falling into the sea, worn down over time, and eventually pushed back onto the beach — smooth and polished. I wanted to go through my own ocean of experience and come home changed. Not necessarily polished and smooth, but with some kind of permanent shift, even if it was subtle.

So, did India change me?

I’m back in the same house, doing the same work, mixing with the same people — back to the same old routine.

But I do feel something has shifted. I now feel I can do many of the things I’d been putting off, as long as I don’t overthink them. Life feels more like putting one foot in front of the other, without creating stories and drama around it.

Perhaps that’s because when you are traveling, you have no option but to keep going taking each experience as it comes. Perhaps because I have become more aware of my mortality — of how limited and precious this life is. After all, India is a country where people live close to death.

Fear is a terrible thing that can keep you from living your life. I’m not fearless — I do still get scared. But now I know I can act even when I am.

When I left India, I was ready to come home. And yet, I already find myself longing to go back.